Most parents feel guilty at some point, whether they snapped during a stressful morning or pushed their child too hard. Guilt is uncomfortable, so you may want to push it away as fast as you can. Learning how to deal with parent guilt may involve slowing down and looking at what the guilt is telling you. In situations like this, parenting guilt may point to something you care about, and that may help you parent the way you want to.
How guilt may point to what you value
Guilt tends to feel heavy, and many people try to escape it as quickly as possible. You might distract yourself or jump to the next task so you don’t have to sit with it. Some parents swing the other way and dwell on it, replaying the moment and criticizing themselves for days. Both reactions make sense, but both of these reactions may keep you from learning from the feeling.
Values are the things that matter most to you as a parent, like being patient with your child or respecting their choices. You might not think about your values day to day, but you’ll often feel them most clearly when something goes against them. Guilt often shows up in exactly those moments. When your actions don’t line up with what you care about, the uncomfortable feeling that follows may be a signal that something important to you got pushed aside.
Instead of escaping guilt or dwelling on it, try asking yourself which value you’re connecting with when it shows up. Say your child told you they didn’t want to go to a party because they were nervous, and you pushed them to go anyway. The guilt you feel afterward may show that you value your child’s right to make their own choices, and pushing them overrode a choice they had already made. You feel uncomfortable because your actions didn’t match your values.
This approach draws on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), which helps people use their values as a guide for what to do next. When you tie your guilt to your values, it may point you toward the parent you want to be.
Once you know the value behind your guilt, you can use it to decide what to do differently next time. Here’s how that might look.
- If your guilt points to valuing your child’s right to choose, you might give them more say in decisions next time.
- If it points to valuing patience, you might plan what helps you slow down on hectic mornings.
- If it points to valuing connection, you might set aside a few quiet minutes together at bedtime.
How guilt differs from harsh self-criticism
When you feel guilty about something you did as a parent, it may be easy to slide into criticizing yourself, too. The two may feel alike, since both come with that heavy, uncomfortable feeling, but they affect you in different ways.
Guilt usually focuses on a specific action, like “I was too hard on my child this morning.” Harsh self-criticism focuses on who you are, like “I’m a terrible parent.” The first gives you something you can change. The second tends to leave you feeling stuck, and it may make it harder to try again. If you catch yourself thinking “I’m a terrible parent,” try bringing your thoughts back to what happened, like “I was too hard on my child this morning, and next time I’ll take a breath before I respond.”
When guilt won’t ease up
If your guilt keeps you up at night or comes with ongoing sadness or anxiety, more support may help. Guilt that won’t let up may sometimes be a sign of depression or anxiety, and over time it may wear down your energy and your patience with your child.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may help you notice the thoughts that drive your guilt, like “I always ruin things,” and practice responding to them in a more balanced way. Therapy also gives you a place to talk through the pressures behind your guilt, like work stress or a child who needs extra support.
Common questions about parent guilt
Q: Is parent guilt normal?
A: Parent guilt is very common. Most parents feel it at some point, and it often shows up because you care about doing right by your child.
Q: Should I apologize to my child when I feel guilty?
A: A simple repair, like “I was too hard on you earlier, and I’m sorry,” may help. You don’t need to share every feeling with your child, and a short apology may teach them how to make things right after a mistake.
Q: What if my guilt is about something I can’t change?
A: Some guilt is about decisions that are already made, like a move or a change in your family. You can still look for the value underneath the guilt and ask what you can do now that fits it.
LynLake Centers for WellBeing has therapists across eleven Twin Cities clinics who work with adults on stress, anxiety and the pressures of parenting. Call us to find a provider who fits.